Christmas Post.....?

As I spoke to the most beautiful woman in the world the other night, who I am lucky enough to be married to, I was made aware that I have neglected posting anything for quite while. Apparently she checks all the time. Below are some direct quotes and phrases uttered by someone I know. Names and associations have been left out for security reasons.

“How do you spell dull? As in dull moment.” D-o-a-a-l?

“I’m Gain for anything.”

“How do you spell smother?” S-u-m-v-e-r?

“I get the JUST of it.”

“I did a shlue of chores yesterday.”

My personal favorite from today:

“Well, you know there is this fruit called Marzipan. Yeah, it tastes like coconut.”


Conversation about a friend's (fictitious) girlfriend:

Glynn: “Well, he’s prolly getting more poontang than I am!!!”
ME: “You could probably get more than him if you tried.”
Glynn: “Well, I am still legally married, and I won’t do that.”
Me: “…..You know that poontang specifically refers to vagina, right?”
Glynn: “No it doesn’t! One of my girlfriends used to say that she was going to go out and get some poontang. She wasn’t gay!”
Me: “Did you ever see her with a steady boyfriend?”
Glynn: “No, but that doesn’t mean anything.”
Me: “Is she married?”
Glynn: “No, but that doesn’t mean anything. When Mr. X and me used to get it on I used to say that I got some poontang over the weekend, and nobody ever looked at me funny for it.”
Me: “Maybe you’re right…I’m probably confused about what it means…”

This is but a small sampling of what I deal with. It is a true wonder of the world that she does not have to wear a drool bib, and velcro closure shoes by court order. I often wonder if she has to stop to ask directions every day when she pull out of her driveway.

So here's to you! I could certainly live without you...although it wouldn't be as entertaining.

To my lovely daughter. You have been the source and cause of so much joy in my life. I love you with all of my heart. You are able to take a total shit day and make it all better the minute I walk in the door and see your beaming smile! My favorite development of late is how you dropped the "F"-Bomb on me the other day. And the scary thing about it is that you were not even doing so by immediately parroting. You also happened to use it at the most appropriate time. We were wresting around and you accidentally (I would like to check with the third man in the ring on that one by the way.) headbutted me in the nose. I pulled back and said Aaaawwwh as I moaned out in pain. You then immediately placed your perfect little hand on the spot on your forehead that clashed with my proboscis, and said quite clearly "Futch". I called your mother to tell her the story and as I relayed the word you uttered, you looked up with a sparkling mouth full of teeth and said "Futch" in a very matter of fact tone.

I look forward to the coming days when the stress dies down and we are able to enjoy you and your actions during the holidays. You have played your mother and I like a Stradivarius, so I am quite confident that you will be getting every little item that you have eyed up along the way as well as a few that you may not have known existed. I love you so very much my little munchkin!

Moving on to the aforementioned most beautiful woman in the world. I know that you feel that these are just words, but I have said it many times. If you could only see yourself through my eyes for five minutes, you would truly understand. You make my everyday worth facing. You also have the ability to make the worst of days the best of days with a side eyed smile. You shoot down my corniest of jokes with mighty "Boos", but I know that there is a part of you that is laughing a little bit.

It has been six years full of everything from death to life. The wondrous throws of passion and drinking. Moments of "Are you looking that way?...Well keep looking that way!" Mornings when I was shocked you were able to drive home from The "Share" only to find out that you were thinking the same thing. Never really knowing how it happened. To the wonderful life of not drinking, let's schedule some time for that later this week, and discussing the latest episode of Sesame Street.

I honestly would not be the man I am today without you. You make me want to be a better me! We are far from perfect, but we are more perfect that any other couple I know of. I am grateful for everyday with you, even if it does not seem that way sometimes. We are not the easiest of people to deal with all the time, I know I can be a pain in the ass. Don't think for a minute that you are exempt. But at least we "Subscribe to our own brand of humor." That sometimes is enough for us.

You are my heart, my love, my life. Thank you for being you and loving me in all the ways that you do!

P.S. - I cannot wait to give you your Christmas present!!!