Thursday, January 19, 2006

The Girl Scouts Are Satan's Minions!

The Girl Scouts of America are to blame for this country's weight problem. Here is how I see it:

January 1st every year, while nursing a hopefully well earned and wicked hangover, the majority of people start to itemize the things in their life that they should be able to change for the better. Aside from, stop being such an asshole, a six pack a day should do me just fine, and I will call my (mother, father, sister, brother, etc.) more than once every couple of months, the top of most American's list is to lose weight. The battle of the scales is on just about everyone's mind, whether you have 5 annoying pounds (in which case you just piss me off) or dozens upon dozens to shed. And coming out of the gate, a lot of people are pretty determined to drop those pounds. We sign up for diet plans or gym memberships. We start a routine and have a generally positive outlook on the prospects of looking svelte by summertime, even if that is summer 2007 we are thinking of. In any case there is a positive vibe. It is well known that about by January 30th or 31st things fall to shit for a lot of people. Their motivation is dwindling, they are getting sick of the "diet foods" selection and options. But what is worse than that and has gone unnoticed by me up until today is that there is a major event that happens to coincide with the end of January. Girl Scout Cookies go on sale.

Now if you happen to be blessed with working in a large office environment like myself, you are no doubt inundated, nay, pressured to "support" your co-worker friend's daughter in her quest to sell the most cookies. And god forbid you buy from one person and not the other friend of yours in the office risking at least a years worth of bullshit subtle hostility, yes over some cookies no less. So now, most of us aside from liking them, are at a pressured point that we will purchase probably two boxes in the office. People actually will put them out on their desks as if to say "Here have a cookie, I don't really want to be eating all of these by my self." Yeah, right. But now we have had our taste for blood teased, so to speak.

Within the next few weeks you will not be able to go to the mall, get gas for your car, go to WaWa, or even answer your door without being asked to purchase some Girl Scout Cookies. The first two purchases were strictly out of obligatory support, so people continue to think "I am stronger than the crack and heroin that they hide in these cookies, I am sticking to my diet." Then you run into that little doll-faced girl outside of the WaWa begging you to support her cause as she shivers in 28 degree winter weather. (Here is their selling guide book of do's and don'ts) So you give in once again, but now the cookies are on their way back to the house, where you can't pawn them off on the general population around you. And have you ever in your life thrown out a box of Girl Scout cookies, ever?

It is here when the time released drugs that the Girl Scouts of America baked into their cookies activate. Much like the Naked Gun Movie which found Lt. Frank Drebin under mind control on his way to kill the Queen of England the American public is under their control to purchase and consume their favorite Girl Scout cookies, or even try the new flavors for this year.

Yes, a few weeks ago the country was on a road toward physical fitness which would have health and beauty benfits galore. Now, the evil Girl Scouts have dragged our sorry asses down a treacherous path toward weight gain. I will even go so far as to say that once a person is armed with their own superfluous funds in life that they fall into this trend, the only weight that we gain each year is from Girl Scout Cookies. Each year, a few more boxes, each year a few more pounds.


At 1:20 PM, Blogger Matt Johnsen said...

I just threw out a box of Girl Scout cookies last week, in fact. If you then consider the premise of this post, then you might realize how old these cookies must have been. They were of the Shortbread variety, which I simply don't like. I don't understand why anyone would! They're less sweet than the rest of the GS offerings, they're miserably crumbly, they provide no chocolate, caramel, or coconut. In short (yuck yuck) they're terrible.

Those caramel delights, though...

At 1:36 PM, Anonymous evan said...

My advice is to buy as many boxes as you can afford and to stuff yourself with them, eating them even when you don't want to. This may, by the way, be an awful lot of cookies, but if you gorge yourself to the point of vomiting, I'll wager the demon will be exorcised.

Furthermore, although Matt will argue, I am a firm believer (although maybe not particularly good practitioner) of intuitive eating. Also known as "anti-dieting." Another reason to eat as many of those little devils as you want.

At 1:36 PM, Anonymous Liz said...

(Homer Simpson)"Mmmmmmmm, Girl Scout cookies..."

(Lisa Simpson at a Girl Scouts meeting)
Barney: "Hello, my name is Barney Gumble, and I'm an alcoholic."
Lisa: "Mr Gumble, this is a Girl Scouts meeting."
Barney: "Is it, or is it you girls can't admit that you have a problem?"

At 1:47 PM, Blogger Anthony "The Duke" said...

Evan my dear good friend....I love the way you think!

At 2:28 PM, Anonymous Roach said...

Stop! Just stop! Mommy and Daddy are wrong. Little girls should be playing with their friends. Not out peddling overpriced cookies. Playing dressy up in those silly little green uniform like some time warped little pixanne want to be. Trapped at the supermarket exit selling cookies to fatties and over perfumed old fuddies. For all that irreplaceable waste of time little Tina or Mary will get a silly little patch that says I'm a good cookie seller. How sad is that? Hey babe its 2006! Not 1954 … There will be plenty of time down the road to hit your sales goals to your target market saying the same redundant chagrin over and over to push your goods. The time is now ...REVOLT! Tell Mom, Tell Dad ...No! I'm a kid I want to play in the playground, climb a tree, Skateboard, play jump rope, paint a picture, sing a song, dance, kick a ball, play a sport, play a instrument, take Karate, Alright all is not lost ….the beret is pretty cool ...Save it , buy a leather jacket and when you are 16yrs old you'll look real cool on South Street .....But that’s just my opinion ...And I might be wrong ....

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